Today I dropped yet another class. It has come to my attention that I will never graduate from college. I really don't know why I can ever finish a damn class. This is like the fourth time I have started and stopped a class. I always get caught up in stress or a crazy work schedule and find some stupid reason not to go to school. I don't know what I am going to do with my self. There are so many things that I am interested in and that are so worth going to school for, but I just don't have what it takes to take on a full time job and school right now. There's a lot I need to clean off my plate before I can put anything else on it and I know that, but how long will it be until I can do it?
Changing "subjects" now, it has been a lovely morning in my humble home. Let me just share with you how things have been going. After working three eight hour shifts basically in a row, I finally managed to make it home alive to sleep. When I awoke from my much needed slumber I got up and looked around not knowing where I was only to notice the clock and find that I had been asleep for about twenty hours straight. No wonder why my bladder was full and neck was sore. So what do you do at three in the morning when you're the only one in the neighborhood awake you ask? Make a bagel and turn on the Olympics.
About two and a half hours after sitting and enjoying a very exciting match of Men's Curling between Great Britain and USA, I decided to go take I shower to warm myself up. Let me just stop real quickly and explain how freaken cold it is in my house. A damn polar bear would think my house was cold. So, when I finally got in the shower I awaited the warmest greatest feeling a hot shower can deliver only to find that the 1970 plumbing in this stupid house was acting up and gave me barely bearable water temperature for a shower. I was shivering when I got out. Thank you very much, I now have an pneumonia.
After my shower I greeted my roommate who had just returned from work and decided to share a quick snack with her which had absolutely no nutritional value what so ever. Corn chips and cheese dip for breakfast baby. After she fell asleep, I made my way over to the computer to check my email and saw that I only had like twenty five minutes to get to class. My initial intentions were to make it to class today until I got in my car and saw that I had no gas. By the time I would have made it to school after stopping and getting gas I would had been totally late. New plan of action... get gas and star bucks and go back home. Pitiful I know.
Now I sit here writing about crap in-between loads of laundry that I needed to do before work tonight. I promise you I'm so more responsible with everything else in my life other than school. Like I said, I just can't do it right now and have to work on some personal issues before I can take on any more loads. Hopefully I will soon be able to get over my fears and come out to the world and finally be able to call it "truths" with myself. When this happens I will finally be able to breath and really start living. It's going to take time but I am working on it.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Monday, February 20, 2006
the road to freedom starts here...
Hi my name is Gary. I am an alcoholic. Just kidding, I'm really not an alcoholic. Although I am gay. I am here to take you on a fun filled journey of getting to know myself. Sounds like fun right? What else do have to do other than reading about other peoples problems? That's what I thought...
I am in my early 20's and am finally realizing that yes I am gay and maybe I should start excepting it. I'm pretty sure I've known from a young age that I wasn't like other boys. There was just something too fun about playing dress up with my sisters Barbies when I was little. Thanks for being there for me Barbie ;)
I think as soon as I hit my teenage years is when I really started denying the fact that I was gay. I didn't share some of the same interest in girls as some of my "boy" friends did and always kept my comments to myself on the subject of them. During my school years I had mostly "girl" friends and very few guy friends. For this I was labeled a fag or queer. This was the beginning of an indestructible shell I would soon find my self hiding in.
Growing up had to be the worst experience of my life. My childhood and adolescent years made me become very insecure about myself and caused a whirl of personal battles I had to overcome to make it through my teenage life alive. Despite the obstacles, I finally made it through high school, even though it was through an alternative route it was definitely an accomplishment.
Today I'm over most of my personal battles and actually turned out alright. Out of all the things I went through I ended up with good morals and the ability to make smart decisions. Right now I am at a junior college continuing my general education courses in hopes that one day I'll actually finish and move on to another school. I have a very respectable job that pays decent and that I'm happy to work for. I would rather not reveal any specifics, but it involves health care.
The only battle I have left to fight is the one that counts the most. Accepting who I really am and not being afraid to do it. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and really want to start making noticeable progress. Only a few of my close friend know the "real me" and I would soon like to make that everyone.
So I see this blog as a big cyber shoulder to cry on when I have nobody to talk to and a place to vent and get things out of my system when I need to.
More to come...
I am in my early 20's and am finally realizing that yes I am gay and maybe I should start excepting it. I'm pretty sure I've known from a young age that I wasn't like other boys. There was just something too fun about playing dress up with my sisters Barbies when I was little. Thanks for being there for me Barbie ;)
I think as soon as I hit my teenage years is when I really started denying the fact that I was gay. I didn't share some of the same interest in girls as some of my "boy" friends did and always kept my comments to myself on the subject of them. During my school years I had mostly "girl" friends and very few guy friends. For this I was labeled a fag or queer. This was the beginning of an indestructible shell I would soon find my self hiding in.
Growing up had to be the worst experience of my life. My childhood and adolescent years made me become very insecure about myself and caused a whirl of personal battles I had to overcome to make it through my teenage life alive. Despite the obstacles, I finally made it through high school, even though it was through an alternative route it was definitely an accomplishment.
Today I'm over most of my personal battles and actually turned out alright. Out of all the things I went through I ended up with good morals and the ability to make smart decisions. Right now I am at a junior college continuing my general education courses in hopes that one day I'll actually finish and move on to another school. I have a very respectable job that pays decent and that I'm happy to work for. I would rather not reveal any specifics, but it involves health care.
The only battle I have left to fight is the one that counts the most. Accepting who I really am and not being afraid to do it. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and really want to start making noticeable progress. Only a few of my close friend know the "real me" and I would soon like to make that everyone.
So I see this blog as a big cyber shoulder to cry on when I have nobody to talk to and a place to vent and get things out of my system when I need to.
More to come...
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